When does a joke become a "DAD JOKE?"

When the punchline becomes apparent.

The most comprehensive list of clean one liners as told by Josh Strickland.

how to create your own web page

The official list.


NEW YEAR'S JOKES

Q. What was the big screen TV's New Year's Resolution?
A. 1080P

Q. Where do you find comedians at a New Year's party?
A. Waiting for the punchline


COLD WEATHER JOKES

Q. What's an ig?
A. An igloo without a loo

Q. How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
A. Don't go around brrr-footed

Q. What do you call a snowman party?
A. A snowball

Q. Why is slippery ice like music?
A. If you don't C Sharp you'll B Flat

Q. I was told "icy" is the easiest word to spell.
A. Come to think of it, I-C-Y


LOVE JOKES

Q. Why shouldn't you fall in love with a pastry chef?
A. Because he'll dessert you

Q. How did the phone propose to his girlfriend?
A. He gave her a ring

Q. What do you call a very small Valentine?
A. Valentiny

Q. What did the girl say when the boy asked her if she had a date for Valentine's Day?
A. She said "Yes, February 14th"


SPRING JOKES

Q. Can February March?
A. No, but April May

Q. What do you call leprechauns who collect aluminum cans, used newspapers and plastic bottles?
A. Wee-cyclers

Q. What's Irish and comes out in spring?
A. Patty-o Furniture

Q. What's a bow that can't be tied?
A. A rainbow

Q. Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
A. Because they've just finished a 31 day March

Q. When do monkeys fall from the sky?
A. During ape-ril showers

Q. What did the tree say to spring?
A. "What a re-leaf"

Q. What do you call a cow that works for a gardener?
A. A lawn moo-er


RAINY DAY JOKES

Q. What do you call a bear in the rain?
A. A drizzly bear

Q. What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A. Fowl weather


EASTER JOKES

Q. Did you hear about the woman's house that was infested with Easter eggs?
A. She had to call an eggs-terminator

Q. What do you call a mischievous egg?
A. A practical yolker

Q. A young boy watching his father, a Pastor, write his Easter sermon, asked his dad, "How do you know what to say?"  His father replied "God tells me."
A. The boy then asked, "Why do you keep crossing things out?"


SCHOOL JOKES

Q. Why do teachers like white boards so much?
Because they're remarkable

Q. Why was the teacher wearing sunglasses?
A. She had bright students

Q. What kind of teacher's classroom stinks?
A. A tutor

Q. What's the easiest way to get straight As?
A. Use a ruler

Q. Why was the math book sad?
A. It had so many problems

Q. Knock Knock. Who's There? Gladys. Gladys who?
A. Gladys the last day of school


HOT WEATHER JOKES

Q. Why did the ice cream truck break down?
A. Because of the Rocky Road

Q. What does the bee do when it gets hot
A. Takes off his yellow jacket

Q. Why couldn't the bike stand up?
A. Because it was two tired

Q. Where did the sheep go on vacation?
A. The Baaaa-hamas

Q. What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?
A. Swimming trunks

Q. Where do sharks go for summer vacation
A. Finland

Q. Why is the mother firefly always so happy?
A. Because her kids are so bright

Q. What did the air conditioner say to the man?
A. I'm your biggest fan

Q. Which is faster - heat or cold?
A. Heat, because you can catch a cold

Q. What did the girl say when the boy told her June was over?
A. She said "Ju-lying"

It's so hot...
the cows are giving evaporated milk!
the chickens are laying hard boiled eggs!
hot water now comes out of both taps!
the birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground!


PATRIOTIC JOKES

Q. Why are there no Knock Knock jokes about America?
A. Because freedom rings

Q. What do you call a bee that lives in the United States?
A. A USB


MUSIC JOKES

Q. What do you call a musician with problems?
A. A trebled person

Q. Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?
A. Because she will 'Let It Go'

Q. What's the most musical part of a chicken?
A. A drumstick

Q. What does The Lone Ranger sing when he takes out the garbage?
A. To-the-dump-to-the-dump-to-the-dump-dump-dump

Q. What did the musician name his three daughters?
A. Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3

Q. Wanna hear the joke about staccato?
A. Nevermind, it's too short

Q. How do you fix a broken tuba?
A. With a tuba glue

Q. What do you get when you cross a refrigerator with a radio?
A. Cool music


SPORTS JOKES

Q. Why was the pig ejected from the football game?
A. He was playing dirty

Q. Why is the football stadium hot after the game?
A. Because all the fans left

Q. What's the difference between [losing team] and a baby?
A. Eventually the baby will stop crying

Q. Why do most people join soccer?
A. Just for kicks


SCIENCE JOKES

Q. How do you throw a get-together for a meteor?
A. You have to planet

Q. What is heavy forward but not backwards?
A. Ton

Q. What happens if you drop your iPhone and iPad in the water?
A. They sync

Q. If you're cold, go stand in the corner for a while.
A. They're usually 90 degrees

Q. Which Star Wars character travels around the world?
A. Globi-Wan Kenobi

Q. Which program do Jedi use to open PDF files?
A. Adobe-Wan Kenobi

Q. Do you know what's odd?
A. Every other number

Q. Did you hear about the book on anti-gravity?
A. It's impossible to put down

Q. Why wasn't the woman happy with the Velcro she bought?
A. It was a total ripoff

Q. Why does the scientist really love the earth's rotation?
A. It really makes his day

Q. What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer?
A. The space bar


ANIMAL JOKES

Q. What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A. He barked with delight

Q. What do you call a bear with no ears?
A. Anything you want because he isn't going to hear

Q. Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
A. Because if they had four doors they'd be sedans

Q. Why aren't koalas actual bears?
A. They don't meet the koala-fications

Q. Two gold fish are in a tank. One turns to the other.  What does he say?
A. "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Q. What breed of dog can do magic tricks?
A. A labracadabradoor

Q. Why do cows wear bells?
A. Because their horns don't work

Q. What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A. An investigator

Q. What do you call a bear with no ears?
A. B

Q. What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A. A cat has claws at the end of it's paws and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

Q. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A. A Thesaurus

Q. What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A. Gummy bear

Q. What did the duck say when she bought some lipstick?
A. Put it on my bill

Q. Why did the ducks keep trying to bite the dog?
A. Because he's pure bread

Q. What did the man do when his wife told him to stop acting like a flamingo?
A. He put his foot down

Q. What happened to the frog's car when it broke down?
A. It got toad away

Q. What do you call a pig that knows karate?
A. Pork chop

Q. Why do flamingos lift one leg?
A. If they lifted two, they'd fall down

Q. Do you know why sometimes when geese fly in a V one side is longer than the other?
A. Because there are more geese on the side

Q. Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A. It's easier than walking

Q. Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels

Q. What do you call a bear with no socks?
A. Bear-foot

Q. What do you give a dog with a fever?
A. Mustard - it's the best thing for a hot dog

Q. What do porcupines say when they kiss?
A. Ouch!

Q. What kind of dog chases anything red?
A. A bulldog

Q. A horse walks into a restaurant and the waiter says "Hey!"
A. The horse says "Sure!"


MONEY JOKES

Q. Why don't cows have any money?
A. Because farmers milk them dry

Q. How much money does a skunk have?
A. One scent

Q. How is the moon like a dollar?
A. They both have four quarters

Q. Where do fish keep their money?
A. In the river bank


FOOD JOKES

Q. When do you go at red and stop at green?  
A. When you're eating a watermelon

Q. Did you hear about the hungry clock?
A. It went back four seconds

Q. What do sea monsters eat?
A. Fish and ships

Q. Did you hear about the guy that got hit in the head with a can of a pop?
A. He's lucky it was a soft drink

Q. What do you call a fake noodle?
A. An impasta

Q. Did you know you can't use "beef stew" as a password?
A. It isn't strogonoff

Q. What's red and moves up and down?
A. A tomato in an elevator

Q. Why are snails a French delicacy?
A. Because they don't like fast food

Q. Did you hear the rumor going around about butter?
A. Nevermind, I shouldn't spread it

Q. Do you want to hear a pizza joke?
A. Nevermind, it's too cheesy

Q. What is the resemblance of a red apple and a green apple?
A. They're both red except for the green one

Q. You've heard of Murphy's Law but have you heard of Cole's Law?
A. It's julienned cabbage in a creamy dressing

Q. How does a farmer mend his overalls?
A. With cabbage patches

Q. Did you hear about the new all-Almond diet?
A. It's just nuts


WEEKEND JOKES

Q. What's a foot long and slippery?
A. A slipper


BIBLE JOKES

Q. How does Moses make coffee?
A. Hebrews it


BAD JOKES

Q. Did you know that when I was young there was only 25 letters in the alphabet? 
A. Nobody knew Y

Q. Did you hear about the guy who woke up missing his whole left side?
A. He's all right now

Q. What do you call it when you put Grandma on speed dial?
A. Insta-Gram

Q. I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday.
A. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible

Q. Did you hear about the guy with the fear of elevators?
A. He takes a lot of steps to avoid them

Q. A woman named her four kids Eenie, Meenie, Minie and Charles.  Why didn't she name the last one Mo?
A. Because she didn't want no Mo

Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick

Q. What kind of jokes do you make in the shower?
A. Clean jokes

Q. What did the left eye say to the right eye?
A. Between you and me, something smells

Q. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
A. The same middle name

Q. How did the locomotive get so good at its job?
A. Training

Q. How many opticians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One or two...one or two...one or two...

Q. I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper.  She told me that newspapers are old school.  She said people use tablets now-a-days.
A. That fly didn't stand a chance!

Q. Why was the scarecrow promoted so quickly?
A. Because he was outstanding in his field

Q. Why did the man tuck his knees into his chest and lean forward?
A. That's just how he rolls

Q. Why was the man not cut out to be a mime
A. It was something he said

Q. What belongs to you but others use more?
A. Your name

Q. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
A. Aye matey!

Q. Why was Tommy frustrated after leaving the store?
A. He wanted to buy some camouflage trousers but couldn't find any

Q. Why was the man having trouble making friends?
A. He was told he's condescending. (That means he talks down to people.)

Q. What did the mechanic who couldn't fix the car's brakes do?
A. He made the horn louder

Q. What kind of award does the world's top dentist get?
A. A little plaque

Q. What did the blanket say to the bed?
A. Don't worry, I've got you covered

Q. What do you call a dentist in the Army?
A. A drill sergeant


CLASSICS

Q. What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
A. You can't tuna fish

Q. Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
A. They're making headlines

Q. Why did the old man fall into the well?
A. Because he couldn't see that well

Q. What stays in the corner and travels all around the world?
A. A stamp

Q. When does a joke become a "Dad Joke?"
A. When the punchline becomes apparent

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